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- Never attempt bending down, except under strict medical supervision.
- Develop the power of a photographic memory – take photographs of everyone you need to remember.
- Use your ailing health to blackmail your children into doing all your gardening and housework.
- Avoid the company of young people they are a sad reminder of your long lost youth.
- Keep a diary – it will be a great source of comfort and a handy reminder of what you did yesterday.
- Cultivate friendships with people much older than yourself. This will make you feel so much younger.
- Finding your false teeth can be difficult when you mislay your spectacles. Always keep these vital items attached to you by pieces of string.
- No one will ever notice your frightful wrinkles if you only go out when it's dark.
- Modern science enables even fifty year olds to have the youthful looks of a teenager – a simple head transplant is all it takes.
- Should you ever get the urge to go 'all night clubing' apply the simple rule – forget it!!
- Buy a computer, digital camera and a MP3 player. Although you're incapable of understanding how to use them at least you'll appear trendy.
- Take the strain off your tired out memory by labelling all household objects – bed, fridge, television etc.
- Look twenty years younger in an instant – borrow a baby and train it to call you 'mummy'.
- Save all hairs that come loose when you brush your hair – one day medical science may develop a means of replanting them.
- Borrow a pram – pushing it around looks better than clutching a zimmer.
- Try to enjoy your fifties as much as is possible – after all the horrendous sixties are looming.
- Remember – Don't Drink and Zimmer.
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